the choice to be public.

day one of no caffeine [while still living with a jet lagged little]. and the choice to share our IVF journey publicly. HAPPY FRIDAY. pray for my sanity.

over 2 1/2 years into our journey with secondary infertility i have gone through different seasons of sharing and not sharing. i have posted things to only delete them. i have over shared when it wasn’t necessary. i have been hurt by responses and hurt by the lack of response. it has been a back and forth battle to know what is healthy for us in such a crazy situation. i struggle with fear of judgment and michael is incredibly private, so it is easy to sit back, hide our story and just share when the ending news is good. however, recently, i had it pressed upon my heart to do the exact opposite. so i chatted with mike, and here we are. publicly sharing our journey through our first round of IVF. below are six reasons why, but they all really stem from my desire for women to feel connected to each other and experience community and freedom. it’s a beautiful thing to be fully known and fully loved, to know you are not alone. so…. let me lay it out for you…

  1. we believe god is and always will be the creator of life and in the world of infertility sometimes that is quieted. we want to scream it. we love jesus in big ways and we believe he is with us each step of our process. in the christian world i think IVF has a big taboo mark across it in certain circles. and let me tell you, it is SO easy to jump on that bandwagon, until you are faced with the decision for yourself, as is anything. // if nothing else comes from this post, HEAR THIS:: less judgment, more love. this whole not judging thing has become HUGE for me over the past three years, there is FREEDOM found when we don’t judge others and are not fearful of judgment ourselves. live in that space, it is a beautiful place to be. // now, some people feel convicted to not pursue treatment and that is the best space for them to honor that. but for me, it was not that, it was being caught in fear of my faith being judged that caused me to literally not be able to move forward. instead of trusting jesus knew my heart, i was trusting that other people didn’t [yuck]. so the number one reason we are choosing to share is for the community of people who need to know they are not alone in this, that there are people standing beside them, choosing to love jesus and still pursue treatment. it does not have to be mutually exclusive.
  2. number two, we are choosing to share because someone once shared with us. remember that paralyzing fear i mentioned of being judged. well one sweet sweet friend who has become so dear to me shared her journey and it freed me to pursue mine. jesus uses people. he calls us his hands and feet, and jesus boldy used my new friend megan to move the mountains in our path. it enabled me to say, if there is just one other person in my tribe, i can do this and so we are. and before her the lord used her, he used handfuls of other precious women who spoke courageously and vulnerably to start the softening of my heart. and unlike those other women, i do not have a platform to share from, but who cares, jesus uses the least of these and i am great to throw my name in that circle. because it had often felt lonely in this struggle, and yet i know that not to be true. so we pass the torch of being bold and hope that the lord would be faithful to use it for the heart of another.
  3. because we are confident, not in the results but in the decision to move forward. it took us a long time to get here. we prayed, we studied, we sought counsel, we googled [bad habit!], we asked our families, and we sat with those who know us best, and then together we waited and waited for the Lord to give us the peace to move forward. some days wondering if it ever would come. and then, it did. and in the fiercest of ways. and from that moment, literally, on we have been full speed ahead and excited. and once you are confident, its easy to share and escape the back and forth of that which plagued me before.
  4. i was born an encourager and i want to encourage others, you can be excited in this process, you can decide, you can move forward and it can be good. there can be beauty from the ashes. sure, there isn’t some passionate romance where you will always look back and remember conceiving life, but heck there are hilarious sperm socks on etsy to wear the day of retrieval and great sparkling cider options to toast with the night of transfer. there are awkward moments that i would not trade for because of the bond it has created, we laugh and laugh often and it reminds me that we are the best of friends. there is nobody i would rather be sitting in front of a plastic vagina replica with that mike! but in all seriousness, we have learned to care for each other, to put something before ourself, to pray passionately, to laugh crazy hard and to hold hands and be a team. your marriage can do this, you can come out in a better place than you began, we have and i believe it for you too. so be confident, choose joy, trust jesus in the process, hold hands and laugh inappropriately anytime possible.
  5. because if we were adopting, we would be sharing. this kind of tags along with the whole christian taboo idea. we should not have to hide our path because it may make some uncomfortable. we LOVE life and we hope that those who know us know our hearts and choose to trust our decision and that we have come to it in a biblical way, weather they agree with it or not. that one choice we make would not be the lens we are seen through. for years we have watched pregnancy and new baby posts, they are not always comfortable either, but we love you and your families and support you and we would hope for the same in return. god is still on his throne and let’s not forget that!
  6. the type A in me wanted to end on 5. but hey, its growing process! but really number six, because i know people care. its easy to believe the lie that we overwhelm our friends and family and that nobody wants to know the details, they just want the happy announcement. but that is a lie. and sharing helps our family and friends keep up and helps us feel connected to them, to know where we are at, to encourage us and to be present in this journey with us even when they physically cannot be.

so hopefully that sums up why we would share such a deeply personal part of our story. because ultimately, it is not our story, but his. so may it glorify him and encourage you to pursue truth and step out in faith, to running wild when granted the peace to do so. let’s be brave together. in a world where social media causes joy and pain, let’s chose to be the joy of letting others know they are not alone.

through this adventure, this is where i will be sitting: isaiah 14:24 “the lord almighty has sworn, “surely, as i have planned, so it will be, and as i have purposed, so it will happen.” i hope you stand beside us and enjoy the ride. i promise to post photos of the awkward sperm socks if you do :)

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