my new BAE.

over the past 8 weeks there has been a new love in my life. a love full of joy and frustrations as most relationships are. and today, i want to tell you all about it. don’t worry, it is totally #goals and you can find your very own version right now on wayfair. yes, friends, these are the days where we can mail-order our relationships.

see this relationship started when i least expected it. the holiday season. which hallmark makes look dreamy but as a momma and a wife it’s known as the season for all things and nothing. all things going on and nothing can be rearranged. but apparently my holiday season thought it was summer and sparing all the gory details i had a little bit of a girly problem the week after thanksgiving and really when i say a little bit, i mean a huge freaking problem. the joke to my friends was “my baby box sabotaged me” and there could not be more truth in that. and this sweet sabotage would be the beginning of said love. followed by a few weeks & sicknesses later turning the corner to “DTR” territory and ultimately concluding in the only logical answer. my couch and i were officially going steady.

the whirlwind of this romance came with days i thought we were finished and days i could not imagine my life without it. late night support and early morning cuddles. my dear couch stayed sturdy in the storm while Jesus taught me some of the sweetest lessons i have learned in my whopping thirty years of couch dating. you see our last couch, is where i will always remember our sons first years, our first home, our second home, etc. but this couch taught me a lesson so much bigger than a memory. it taught  me the lesson of true love. of freedom. of worthiness. of Jesus.

now, i am sure you all want to roll your eyes when you read a couch taught me about Jesus, but guys, it really did. because when i was forced to sit and be with just my couch and me, the picture of His face was made clearer and a heart transformation is happening that would have never happened had my couch and i not been forced into our coupling.

see, i am fully convinced that although the last 8 weeks came onto us unseen it was totally known to Him in advance. He planned to use it to break me, mold me and restore me into who He has planned for me to be. He knew my baby box would throw its final tantrum and that i would have each and every complication i had after it, he knew our friends would need to rally around each other when tragedy struck close, he knew wills would get back to back sickness and that i would follow shortly behind him in it. He even knew i would wake up this morning voiceless and write these very words. i have complete faith it was totally known in advance by the Christ who loves us so very much.

i have always struggled with a fear. a fear of being misunderstood. a fear of being forgotten. a fear of being “too much.” a fear of having what i refer to as the “crazy train life”… which is a whole different beast of a post but the simple idea is the not scheduled life that everyone else seems to be able to make happen. the list of fears could sadly can go on but lets just stop there for the sake of this being a novella instead of a full blown romance novel.  keeping with that thought process let me just cut to the chase here again and say when you and your couch decide to go steady here is what happens: you will seem crazy to some, you will have to miss out on lots, you will be more needy than you could have ever dreamed of being & your life definitely looks like the crazy train you always fought against when your son only makes it to two days of school out of three weeks because he is also now in his very own relationship with the love seat where his papi has brought him daily slurpees while watching endless netflix.

and i am going to get a little more personal even here when i tell you that when wills was two months old i was walking through our neighborhood with him and saw two brothers and their dad playing and the though “you will not see him turn five” crossed my mind and momentarily paralyzed me. my dad later reassured me every parent feels those things but as we lost babies and as we have watched friends have their worst fears become their very true realities as we have crept closer to five that fear has raged. so when wills literally could not breath one night last week, it felt more than a little fear. i wrapped that boy in my arms and took him to sit with me and from my new found love the couch were sent my 4am texts to friends and words to jesus praying for my baby’s little life.

the couch is where i sat and cried out and felt Jesus move my heart towards faith instead of fear as i prayed the deepest prayers over my child’s life that i have ever prayed. the couch is where i sat while in pain post surgery and where i found deep joy on watching our son’s face christmas morning. the couch is where i sat where instead of friends forgetting me they dropped provisions on the porch. people, we are talking the most snuggly blanket i have ever cuddled (a great third wheel to my new relationship these days), bags of treats for every person in this house including the dog, practical things like food, drinks and hand sanitizer, nebulizers so i could rest easy knowing we had help if needed and i could literally write another four paragraphs like this.

the couch is where i have laid while others loved on wills, who came over in pajamas to take him so we could focus on what needed to happen, did school drop off & pick ups and playdates so his life stayed normal. where friends came to sit and work with me so one part of my life could feel a little more consistent and a little less lonely. the couch is where i was sitting praying soul deep prayers when the call came and my heart literally shattered for a dear friend facing the worst and the couch is where our small group’s babies all cuddled each other three nights later while we held one another close and were each other’s people.

the couch is where i have had to sit and let others, where i have had to say yes to hard things and no to good things, where i have had to be, wrestle and learn. learning that the mess is out of my control. that my choices made in a season of crazy does not mean i am actually on the crazy train. that snuggles at 1am, 2am, 3am & 4am are even better. that my friends could never be “too much” for me, so i need to trust i am not “too much” for them. that my body will either heal or not heal but thinking i can do anything to change that only ends up causing more issues. to trust, let go and embrace the days as they come even when they look different than i had planned. and most importantly that letting others help is literally Jesus’ hands and feet, so saying no to offers of help is saying no to Jesus himself. if you take away nothing else from this post, re-read that and let it sink in. i have never been so convinced and my soapbox will probably bring you a whole post dedicated solely to that idea soon.

see, the couch and i, we have been through our fair share in a short 8 weeks. it is where God served me by breaking and making me so i could continue to become the masterpiece He promised i am. it is where chains were broken. chains that i did not know i was shackled by but looking back i can see they were clearly always there. it is where He heard and saw my pain and wrote me love notes in response. its where He showed me that rest may mean physical but also spiritual and in my case, rest from my sin struggle of control became a non negotiable.

i will always cherish my new found love. and i am grateful for a God who gave me a safe place to do hard work from. but ya’ll, let let there be no doubt that i am excited for school and life to proceed tomorrow and only see my BAE in glimpses instead of on the regular, because co-dependency ain’t good for anybody either. so i will leave you with this friends… next time you find yourself stuck with your new one & only being the couch. lean in and trust that faith can be louder than fear and that just maybe Jesus is playing cupid and has your very own romantic comedy in store for you with the gift of freedom at the ending credits. YES, PLEASE & THANK YOU.

and lastly… girl, make sure you got yourself a comfy one just in caseies :)

xo, e


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