we are about a month our from getting the news about the end to our IVF journey. in that time there has been every emotion you can imagine played out in our lives. some days have been full of joy and hope in our creator and being able to focus on knowing our future and planning accordingly and others have been full of bitterness and tears that it isn’t the future i desired or the one i spent three years busting my booty for. the emotions contradict each other often, being grateful to finally plan, like finally being able to go to MOPS convention and the tears that the reason why I can do those things is because we are choosing to be done pursing a larger family. but i have found so much of my heart for christ and women in this past month as we have processed that i wanted to share and update and an encouragement with each of you.
so a quick medical update. we had our final wrap up meeting with our dr. on the 12th. we prayed for clarity going in and gosh did we get that. the short story is that my eggs are so severely unhealthy that there is not even research on “people like me.” now for those of you that know us, many doctors have called us 2% tuohy. this just seems to be our jam, i used to find so much insecurity in this but now its almost comical. the issues are also so severe that he shared it would not be safe emotionally or physically for us to continue trying to have another child naturally. and while we had already had a hunch this was where we were at it became very real the gravity of it. so a week later, i got an IUD. talk about finality. i cried through the entire appointment and much into the night. when you spend three years working for something and walk away empty handed a lot of different emotions appear. grief, loss, failure, hopelessness, and a mini identity crisis. i have peed on some sort of stick, had blood drawn, gone trough surgery, met with the dr. (you get the point) every day for a long time and waking up and not having a next step but accepting this as our truth has been brutal even among the peace we have that we made the right decision. i had a friend tell me today that it takes courage for us to be done, praise jesus for friends who speak truth over your life like that.
so, my life these days… i have accepted our doctors wisdom (and yes, he loves jesus so we know it was not said lightly), been going to bootcamp like a crazy woman and i even signed a 12 month contract … y’all i have not been able to sign a contact or even make plane reservations more than a month out for YEARS. it literally took me a week to turn it in and accept it. i am learning this will happen a lot in this, because its a journey and it takes time. and yes, also, remodeling our kitchen (an already planned project). and the good news is people, just like the baby won’t fall out when your pregnant neither with the IUD when you do a jump squat, but don’t you know i spent that first week looking like a crazy lady squeezing my legs together worrying it would! great mental image i am sure… :)
i have also dug deep this last month with friends who have infertility before children. if that is you, YOUR STRENGTH IS INCREDIBLE. i will never know what it is like to long to be a momma like that. you are brave and you are seen by god and seen by others as the warrior women in this world. and i don’t for one second want to compare our journey to yours. hear that. in the same breath, i shared a lot last time about how wills has eased this blow for us. and it is so so true. even more so after our last meeting. but here is the thing. i still want to be real in the truth that this does not erase the fact that god did not move this mountain for us. i hurt when people say “at least you have one” (i do say this, but its one of those double standard things!), because although this is very true and those of my loves going through infertility before children would give anything to be a momma to a little running around, it did not erase the god given desire to grow our family. i am still laying down 30 years of dreams for what my life would look like. and YES, having wills eases that pain in a way i cannot describe, but again, it does not come close to erasing it. i am still in the valley, the trench and on team God said no. just because i have wills does not mean that my pain is any less than another, it is just different. perspective of our blessings is always so so so important but there is also an importance in not devaluing our hurt. and friends if you don’t care about anything else written on this page please care about this: comparing and weighing our blessings against each others is of satan, and when we do that we cheapen the emotions of each other’s hearts.
the momma who is terrified of having her fourth child because she was not planning for that is no less in grief than i am not being able to have more. she is still laying down her dreams for what her life would look like and should not be hiding her emotions for the sake of my feelings. my hope for us as women is two things. that we could love each other apart from our own situation. whether that is going for the same job as your bestie and encouraging her the entire way and celebrating with her when she gets it over you. to not feeling ashamed to share our hurts and heartaches because “we should just be grateful for what we have.” we should be selfless in our love for others. we should say things with grace and humility when we know that it may seem ungrateful or hurtful to the one listening but we should never not share. and on the other side, we should reign in our bitterness and see that its not all about us. sometimes i am genuinely happy for a friend who is pregnant and other times i see red, its a process. but lets keep fighting to get through it and be encouragers of each other in their lives apart from our own. when your friendships are based on christs love it is possible for the friendship to sustain while you walk polar lives.
second, and i want to be clear in this because i think often women only share when either the mountain moves or when they are ten years down the road and can share with the ending of “but this is why….”, that this is not what this post is. and to be frank, michael believes we will not know on this side of heaven why this happened to us, and i don’t know if i will even care on the other side. and i am genuinely okay with not knowing. it wasn’t easy and i have days its still not but it is only because i chose to believe what i say i believe and trust the father who ordained my days that 90% of the time i do not need to know the why. without that faith and trust i would be a disaster. and i think it is SO important for those of us in the trenches or holding our prayer with the final answer being “no” to share. there are too many women out there that need to know that god does not always say yes and that he is still good. those who lose loved ones to sickness not healed, those who didn’t get the check to pay that bill, those whose marriages are not saved, those who are longing to be parents, those desiring a spouse that may never come along, the list is LONG friends. and we are not loving others well by only sharing when or how God made it better, because frankly, he made it better by going to the cross and if he never did another thing to show us why or how that needs to be enough.
so, fellow trenchers, let’s be that light for those who need it. because it hurts like hell that he said no to wills having siblings, to me carrying another child, to michael longing to hold another baby, to me taking a daughter to ballet class, to look around and see almost every other friend getting a yes to more babies and i cry a lot over this. but as i said a million times in my last post, its okay. i do not know why he is doing it but because of who he is, its okay, and women need to know that. our grief is different than others, because of our hope for the day there are no more tears not because of anything that made it better on earth. let’s not leave our friends lonely in the valley thinking its only them that didn’t get a yes. so be it your health, your family, infertility, your career, your depression and anxiety, your marriage, your singleness, whatever current life situation you are begging the lord to pull you out of and not seeing him do it, I AM WITH YOU, and i plan to be in here forever. doing my jump squats with my IUD even though that tiny piece of plastic goes against everything i have ever dreamed of. and i hope we can hold hands with those with us in the trenches and those whose trenches are different than us. with those who got a yes and were pulled out of their trenches and even those who seem to not have any trenches. that together we could truly live out two important truths. that god is enough, always. and he doesn’t always make it better here on earth. because he is enough and one glorious day it will be better. i promise.