well friends. this is not the email i ever wanted to write, but it seems we are here. we got our final results back today on our two little embryos. and sadly, neither are available to be transferred (back into me). to say it was not a shock or completely heartbreaking would be dishonest. we are crushed. it feels like our miscarriages all over again. the hope and the loss, it is painful. but, we will be okay.
we are humbled beyond words for the graciousness of the lord to give us william. each and every baby is a miracle made with such intention, the purpose in wills’ amazes me. i cannot help but continue to speak big things into his life. my dad mentioned today that his name was quite fitting, he is god’s will (william) for us. today his 4 year old cuteness struggled for a bit to understand when i shared the news with him and then out of nowhere he told me ” momma, some people want babies and some get them and some people want babies and don’t get them. its okay.” how he could so confidently understand that phrase is beyond me. he then proceeded to show me how to take deep breaths. bless his little perfect heart.
so logistics. as of now, we will not pursue any other ways to grow our family. this is the question i get most often or even more than a question, the response people run to most “well there is always yada yada yada…” “you are so young, just keep blank blank blank”…and out of a desire to help my heart process and maybe give some insight as you speak with other friends walking paths like ours, let it be okay that there is an ending. we know that god is bigger and we will fully continue to submit our lives to his plans, if that means other things for our family one day then so be it. but we do not plan to pursue any more medical treatment or adoption or even natural pregnancy, and we do not see that changing. we feel full with love for our little family and we do not feel called to anything else. that is okay. we are not less christian for not adopting. it is okay to not need to fix what looks like a hole, because it isn’t a hole. we are instead actually whole. whole with christ’s love for us and whole with the family he provided. its okay. i think often we try to tell others that there is a fix and that its not the end, let’s just choose to say okay. to not feel we have to offer hope, that is the lords job, ours is to pray and hold hands and wipe tears. and if you want to hope behind my back because you feel led to, then hope, hope, hope, but i ask that you please allow us to place our hope in what christ has done and is doing, apart from growing our family. to spend time hoping in him and not our circumstances. letting god’s hand play out as it should. god isn’t any less mighty if the mountains never move and the desires never come to be. its okay. i promise. we are okay. not ever story ends in a miracle or a yes, in fact, i believe ours instead started with a miracle, that our yes came before we even asked and he is currently outside riding his bike. praise jesus.
ongoing prayers when you think of us:
1. for wills. for him to have understanding when he asks for a baby why god would not give him that. for him to not be lonely but surrounded by love and friends and hopefully a family when he is holder to share the burdens of adult life with him. neither mike or i can imagine not having our siblings, this was honestly the loss that has brought us the most pain, wills’ loss in this. there are sure to be more conversations to come as he ages, pray we would handle them well with truth and love, that he would always know it wasn’t about him not being enough and that he would have a life full of knowing his worth, being confident in his purpose, our family dynamics and his community outside of that.
2. for mike and i to continue to love each other in big ways. marriages are divided by this stuff and while we have genuinely drawn closer together through it, we want to pray protection over ours long before it would ever be needed.
3. for our family of three. to thrive and enjoy the design the lord said was his best.
4. and for my body to heal, from all the hormones and tests and procedures. for it to respond well as i can once again finally begin being active. it has been through the ringer and lots of yo-yos and i am hopeful to be able to be and feel healthy and normal once again. and for my heart, i am still wresting with the guilt of not being bale to give the boys what they both desire, a bigger family. my body feels broken and to blame, even though truth is it’s not my fault. but let’s be honest with our emotions so others can help pray us through them. this is where i am still at with that one.
we are forever thankful to you, our tribe, for hanging out in this season with us. we love you all! and to our sweet babies, who do not need prayer, seeing as they are comfortable joined with our others in the lap of our sweet jesus. we cannot wait to kiss your cheeks and spend eternity being with you, i am so thankful we will one day share the same home. friends, we are broken and we are sad and we are so very tired. it has been a heck of a run, it has been NINE HUNDRED and NINETY days. TWO YEARS, EIGHT MONTHS and SXTEEN DAYS (thanks google). countless tests, handfuls of surgeries, a battery of labs and injections upon injections. months and months of hope and disappointment and questions and for me guilt. that is a long road to walk and there is peace in all the knowledge we gained from this process. we have answers we have longed for and we are ready to move forward. to grieve and be angry and sob and then to pick ourselves up and move forward. beauty from ashes. joy in the morning. we know these thing are promised to us and we have seen them clearly over the loss in the previous years and we know we will again in this one. i was reminded today that he takes care of even the sweet birds in the trees, of course he will continue to take care of us. this didn’t surprise him and while he was able to change this with just one word, he didn’t. we decided a little over a year ago when a friend spoke words about her journey with cancer and hope for heaven that we, like her, had to decide if we really believed what we said we believed in a time as trying as infertility and loss of babies. and we decided then to live our lives in a way that showed we did believe and we still do believe. he is trustworthy, he is purposeful and he doesn’t withhold good from us. if you don’t know jesus, i pray that you find him and would love to have that conversation with you. there is no other way we could be walking away from this crushed but not destroyed if it weren’t for his love in our lives. it is well with my soul.
and if you are growing your family, please share it with us. the lord has been overly gracious to me in this area. i have not felt bitterness, i am so excited to hear that news for all of the people in our lives, we know how sweet it is and we want to be included. i promise, it doesn’t hurt my heart, it in fact brings it so much joy! mean it. xo
in other news, i am now booking a vacation to zika infested mexico to celebrate my 30th in june. i will try to refrain from dancing on tables this time mom, but here is no guarantees. if any of you want to join, game on, let’s do it!
so much love to each and every one of you. you will always hold such a dear place in our hearts and our story! thank you, thank you, thank you.